Void

My heart is like a void, a voracious consumer, never satisfied

My soul is like a void, continuously empty, always desiring to be filled

God is good. He is a provider. He intercedes for me. His endless promises are always revealed to me. My needs to do His will and to reveal His glory are never lacking, they are always cared for.

Yet my heart and my soul always feel empty. I always feel like I’m lacking. Why am I never content? Why must I endlessly desire, never to be satisfied? I truly hate this feeling. I constantly feel like I’m never surrendering 100% of my life when I so desperately yearn to. I know I want to let go of everything and surrender it to God. Yet I know the know, but never feel the feel.

Praise God! Recently I was gifted an internship. Compared to my peers, the volume of jobs I applied to was much lower, and I didn’t even write a cover letter. Only by the grace of God was I able to receive from Him. Only by the grace of God am I able to gain more experience, and further my career. Only by the mercy of the Lord did he answer my prayers, and faithfully affirmed the power of obedience to Him.

Arguably, my biggest obstacle was overcome. James 1:17 says, “Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights, with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change.” Every gift is good and perfect. Yet I feel nothing. Don’t get me wrong, I feel immense gratitude for the love and mercy my God has shown me. But compared to others, my enthusiasm and excitement towards this internship is just not there. Maybe it’s because I don’t value career as much, but after reflection, I’ve realized that even after worldly things I desire are provided for, I still feel empty.

Why? Romans 9:18 says, “So then he has mercy on whomever he wills, and he hardens whomever he wills.” Lord have you hardened me? Why do I never feel satisfied? Why must I feel the need to consume? I just want to be ok with who I am, what I am, and what I have. I just want to go to sleep happy, feeling gratitude for the life given to me and wake up refreshed knowing that another day is not another battle filled with constant warfare in my mind.

My distractions are endless, the euphoria of my daydreams kill the dopamine of reality. I am never fully present, I am never able to fully enjoy the life that I live. So many precious moments with friends, family, fellowship, community, roommates, and even with God, ripped apart over the desire for something more, even when what I have is enough. I. Hate. This. Feeling. I want to love my life. I want to love the time I spend with others. I want to love my accomplishments. But there is constantly the idea of more, a preconception of something better, when all of it are lies. When days don’t live up to inflated expectations of my desires, I am left empty.

Recently, a friend told me he thought the recent Dr. Strange movie was mid. His words were, “I think I came in with high expectations and was let down.” My expectations of life are too high. But I have no idea how to lower them. I have no idea how to accept my life the way it is and be happy about it. I don’t know how. I pray to God, for his Spirit to change me, but whenever I pray, I have such little faith that I will change that I feel as if it’s disrespectful to even pray for such things. James 1:6–8 says, “But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.”

Lord I am a doubter. I doubt so much to the point where I don’t even want to pray. I doubt that you will change me. I doubt that I am able to eventually truly and fully love life. But Father please, please change me. Please kill my doubt. I so desperately want to surrender my all to you. I so desperately want to give the entirety of my life to you. I so desperately want to live my life solely for you. I so desperately want to be present in my life. I so desperately want to live in the moment and not a romanticized future. I so desperately want to appreciate the little joys in life. The times I get ice cream. The times I pray with friends. The times I experience you with others. The times I am able to grasp the effort and service of others and fully appreciate every second of it. I so desperately want to love it all for what it is. Father please. Please kill my yearning for the future. Please let me live for today. Your word in Matthew 6:34 says, “Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble.” I want to love and appreciate everything you’ve given me with all of my heart. I want to feel the feel.